Jocelyn and Paul
I grew up in a family of 6, my mother came from a family of 10, my oldest sister is expecting her 10th child, and none of my other siblings have had any problem conceiving...The joke in our family was "don't look at the Hilchie sisters or you might just get one of them pregnant", of course this was at the beginning of our marriage, and having children wasn't in the plans at that time. Of course I figured when it was time, it would just happen, and why would I think any other way, with my sister having them every 2 years with no complications at all.
After trying for about a year, I decided it was time to get checked out. In December of 2005 after moving from Canada to Indiana I had an HCG done and my doctor found a polyp. So my first Diagnostic Hysteroscopy was done in January. (my husband Paul got checked out and at that time his count was great). While recovering from that surgery, he wanted me to go in for an MRI to make sure that he wasn't missing anything else. In March I had a laparoscopic diagnostic hysteroscopy, because the MRI indicated I had a septate uterus. During recovery, I was given so many hormone pills I almost felt like I was going crazy. After all of that, we were advised to try on our own for a few months thinking that since my uterus was now reconstructed, we should be able to conceive. 6 months later, I was back into my doctors office looking for more help. At that time, he placed on clomid, and iui's. That lasted a couple of months, and he then decided to that we wanted to make sure that there was no scarring on my uterus from the last surgery. So again, I was back on the operating table, and unfortunately he found adhesions, and scarring. He removed what he felt was necessary to help me. We did a couple more cycles of clomid, because he was very confident that the issues were cleared up and since everything else was in order, with a little help I should conceive. By January of 2007, we were referred to a fertility clinic. I had high hopes when we entered the clinic, I thought this was going to be it, and we were going to walk out of that clinic in no time and be pregnant. I was placed on Follistim and did injections in my stomach for 2 cycles, and then it just got to be too much. I was feeling so overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, tired, and all I wanted to do is curl up in a ball and cry all the time. Of course during this time, I found out that my younger sister was pregnant for her 2nd. I thought I was going to loose it right then and there. It broke my heart to know that everyone around me was capable of having children, and I was jumping through hoops and still no luck.
I was still convinced that there was still something wrong that had not been found in me. The fertility specialist said that he could do an HCG and see if there was any blockage, or endo, or scarring. I personally don't feel that a HCG does an accurate job but at that time I went with his advice. Of course he didn't find anything, and sent us on our way, and stamped my chart as UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY. I was so ready to pull my hair at that time, I was frustrated, and felt cheated. His advise was to do either more Follistim injections, or go straight to IVF. I thought to myself, why would I do IVF if there isn't anything wrong with me? Why am I going to place myself in such a financial strain and place more drugs into my body when as far as they can tell there is nothing physically wrong with me?
We decided to stop for awhile because we were transferring soon, and I wanted a fresh start and we needed the break.
Upon arriving in Maine, I contacted a new doctor who had knowledge of infertility. After reviewing my records, we decided that he would do another Diagnostic Laproscopic Hysteroscopy and make sure that everything was properly working, and sever my nerve endings because I have such painful periods. During the operation, he did discover a problem under one of my tubes, the Pathologist couldn't exactly say if it was endo, but they weren't ruling it out. So that was removed, and as he put it, he "Buffed and Plished" my insides and said I am good to go. However, now Paul is dealing with prostate issues, and so now he is placed on some medication which doesn't help with our situation.
We haven't ruled out adoption, but that even seems so overwhelming, and financially it is a lot to deal with. We have all of the paperwork for the adoption process, but with all that has gone on since we moved 3 months ago, it has been placed on the back burner...is it because we are holding out in hopes that we will be able to conceive on out own...probably, but we can't wait too long.
All I know is that I cry everyday, I have lost friends, and family members due to this illness, and cringe when I have to go to the store knowing I will see infants and young children.
I am a different person than I was 5 years ago, and I feel so empty inside.
I love my husband very much, I also know that children bring great joy into a couples lives, and I want that so badly. I hope someday we will be able to share our love with some children.