I am 31 years old (32 in November), my husband Brian is 36 and we have been dealing with infertility for 3 years. We were married in April of 2003 when I was 27 and he was 31.
At 28 years old, I thought it would take me no time at all to become pregnant. I had regular periods my whole life and there was no history in mine or Brian's family to suggest that we'd have a problem. The first month we tried to become pregnant, we did.
However, as soon as the stick turned pink, I started bleeding. I had a chemical pregnancy. As crushed as we were, we were still so naive. We thought for sure that it was a good indicator of our fertility. We were so wrong. After 1 year, my OBGYN sent us for some tests but everything appeared to be normal. He suggested we see an RE anyway so we did. In Oct/Nov of '05 we underwent a medicated IUI cycle that was a bust. However, the next month I fell pregnant again, naturally. We found out a week before Christmas and we truly thought that God was blessing us with a miracle baby.
Again, we were wrong. The day before Christmas Eve, we went for an u/s hoping to see a sac and lo and behold, they found nothing. My beta numbers continued to go up despite the absence of a sac in my uterus so they deemed the pregnancy an ectopic and I had to take a methotrexate shot to end the pregnancy on Christmas Eve nonetheless. You can imagine the despair and heartache. I don't know if we ever truly got over it. Fast forward to March '06 and our first IVF cycle, BFN. Our second IVF cycle was in June of '06, BFN. Our clinic treated us so poorly and basically told us there was nothing they could do for my high response to meds and poor quality embryos.
I asked them to be tested for PCOS and they told me "No because you're not overweight or hairy". At that point, we knew it was time to switch clinics.
At the new clinic, they told us that I do in fact have a form of PCOS but without some of the typical symptoms. We decided to take a year off from treatment as we were putting a 2nd story addition on our house and we thought a break from anything IVF related would do us good. We had time to reflect, plan and get excited for the next cycle at the new clinic. Well, we just got a BFN in August '07 from our 3rd IVF. Same problem as always....high response to stims, high number of eggs retrieved but poor/fragmented embryos.
Our story doesn't end here. I, like many of you, know that I am on a journey and for some reason I was chosen for this journey, perhaps because God knows I can handle it (although I never knew I had it in me!). When I look back on these 3 years, they've been the worst but best times of my life, as odd as it sounds. You see, I don't think I ever really understood who I was before this journey. There was never anything defining in my life that tested me or pushed me to the limits. In many ways, my life was charmed. I've learned an extreme amount of patience and have gained a great deal of empathy for others (as we never know what other people are going through, even if they put on a smile everyday). I've also learned that I am blessed with my marriage and although it's rare to experience a "crisis" so early on in a marriage, because of this crisis, I know that our bond is cemented. I believe it's a deeper love and admiration for each other....more so than people who have not gone through this ordeal. I am thankful for this. I know that I am stronger for this journey and although I'm a different person than I was 3 years ago, I like myself better. I look in the mirror and I see someone I am proud of.
I don't know where the road will take us but lately I've just learned to trust that everything will work out, maybe not in the way I had always planned but still in a way that will make a beautiful life for my husband and I. We are looking to probably do 2 more cycles but at the same time, getting our feet wet with the adoption world. Either way, I have faith that we will end up better for this in the end.
Danielle and Brian