I am 41 years old. My husband & I have been trying to conceive for about 10 yrs. We have been through 4 IVF's, as well as IUI's. I have a 17 year old (dear) son from a previous marriage. We are were initially diagnosed with MFI, but now are dealing with that lovely term "advanced maternal age" also. A kick in the pants after 10 years. Unbeknownst to me, there were underlying health problems.
The first eight years in our journey to get pregnant weren't as difficult as the last two and a half years of treatment. Starting treatment was like walking into a very dark place. The intrusions on our privacy, the advanced maternal age diagnosis, and the insinuations by doctors that this was my fault. The miscarriage's were my fault. The realization that RE's tend to point the finger at the female, even when there is male factor involved. The fact that I've been trying since I was 31 (my eggs weren't bad back then!). The devastation of being a poor responder. How could I overcome that AND the dismal odds of IVF??! That is when panic set in.
So many emotions over the course of treatment. I don't think I've ever had so many highs & lows in my life. The stress involved can be just horrendous. It can be demeaning and demoralizing, especially when you are over the age of 38. Once you felt young, and now you're made to feel like a petrified tree. The humiliation with complete loss of privacy and nurses who are not respectful of that depending on where you go. The feeling of being treated like a child as well as just a number. Having your privates subject to view by an audience of medical staff. The stress of traveling with needles, doing secret injections in the bathroom. The night terrors on meds. Finding myself standing in the living room not knowing how I got there. The exhaustion on Lupron. The heartbreak of having only one mature egg in three out of four IVFs. Waiting, waiting and more waiting in panic praying that egg will fertilize. Waiting three more days and praying with all your being that it will make it to a healthy embryo. The maddening two week wait till beta. Don't lift - don't put anything in your body that's unhealthy - no exercise - don't use your stomach muscles - careful of those bowel movements... better yet - don't BREATHE! Then being told it's negative after going through a two month period of shots, waiting, intrusive procedures, weight gain, ovarian pain, bloating and so much more. Or even worse, you are pregnant but it's a chemical pregnancy. Watching that hpt fade away like a ship that has lost it's tether and gone out to sea. Once within reach, but now lost forever.
Fighting for tests. Fighting for the answers. Having to do years of research about my own health because some RE's want to do the cookie cutter process. "Only easy cases - get back on that assembly line there missy". I have been in fight mode so long, I've had to really shake myself out of it. Thank God for a caring acupuncturist who drilled that into me. As if infertility hasn't been enough, after so many years of trying to build a family for us and my son, that dream ended, or at least had to be altered, after my son moved in with his father recently. He'll be going off to college in September. College!! How did this happen? He never had the opportunity to grow up with a sibling, and I will always regret that.
Wendy and John