Kristen and Matthew
We are Kristen and Matthew and we have been struggling with the disease of infertility for more than 6 years.
We married in May of 2001 and due to my “advanced maternal age”, began trying right away for children. We did all the right things. Ovulation kits, took temperatures, timed everything. Nothing happened. My OB/GYN at the time put me on Clomid for 2 cycles but still nothing happened. Finally, she decided to do an HSG. That test failed due to the fact that they could not get the dye through my cervix. So, off we went to the RE. From there, we went through a battery of tests and a laporoscopy. I was informed at that time that I had a slight case of endometriosis and went on Depot Lupron shots for 4 months. After that, my tubes were clear based on another HSG and the RE suggested we begin trying on our own again for 3 months. That didn't work. We then moved to 7 IUI's naturally and with injections. Still, nothing happened. At our doctor’s advice, we moved on at that point to IVF. By this time I was 35. Very advanced.
The first IVF was cancelled due to poor response. The second, we upped my meds and were able to have one embryo to transfer. I got a negative result. The third IVF, we upped my meds again and we were able to transfer 2 embryos. Still negative. The fourth IVF was cancelled due to no response at all to the protocol of meds.
All this time, through this whole roller coaster, I have never given a diagnosis. Never! I kept asking questions. "Am I considered a poor responder?"...NO. Every test I took the results were "fine". To this very day, my chart reads “Unexplained.”
I don't know what it feels like to be an infertile with a diagnosis. I imagine the pain is pretty similar to mine. But, if I could share one "theme" that as been constant through this crazy situation it is this: I wish I had a diagnosis. I feel like if I had something, anything to use as foundation to work with, and to address head on, then maybe, just maybe I would be given the opportunity to fix it. Being "unexplained", I will always feel like we never did enough to find out, never went to enough doctors, and never did enough research.
This disease hit us hard and fast. We were never newlyweds. We started our married life together on a schedule, timing sex, talking about sperm samples, taking injections, and ultimately dealing with constant failure. These things do not happen without affecting a relationship in many ways There have been times of anger, times of regrets, times of sadness, and most of all times of complete misunderstanding of how this could be happening to us. But, after 5 years, we went through counseling to come to terms, start trying to make sense of it, and to fin each other again in the pain. I believe though, we learned to appreciate each other more, and to come closer together as a couple and find the strength not to "move on", but to make alternate decisions for our life.
After our 4th failed attempt at IVF, we made the decision to take time to breath, and to think. During this time we began to open our hearts and minds to adoption. Taking things one step and one day at a time, we were eventually led to our son-Christopher.
Like many who eventually choose to build their families through the gift of adoption, we are eternally grateful for the gift of Christopher in our lives. Yes, people are correct in many ways when they say "Once you adopt, the pain of infertility goes away". But, in many ways, they are very wrong in that statement. Yes, my pain is nowhere near where it was at one time. Now my emotions are working differently. Instead of mourning the baby that never was, I mourn the fact that I never felt my son growing inside me, never gave birth to HIM. But, at some point in the process, I started to break it down into "compartments". No, I will never have the pregnancy experience, but, that does not mean that we have to miss out on parenting one amazing kid!!
I do not know where our life will go from here. For the first time in our married life, we are currently not living on a schedule, not making plans, but just concentrating on being "US+1".
It is true we have never been happier and in many ways, yes, we have "moved on". But one thing is still certain; We are infertile. For no good reason, we are still infertile.